Tending Wounds (Part 1)
12/31/2022
If you’re like me, the new year can bring a bunch of different feelings up…likely lots of ups and downs. We can look back on the past year and what we’ve gone through, or similarly look ahead to what we hope to go through this year, but sometimes being in that headspace can cause a loss of being in the present and where we are now. 2022 exposed a lot of things within American society and the world, but I think what is mostly getting exposed is the need for mental health treatment…for just about everyone (but especially creatives). If you follow me on INSTAGRAM you may have seen that post I put out early on during the pandemic urging us creatives to speak up and find someone to talk to if they had the means. Now I’m revisiting why this is so important to us and keeping us true to who we are as creatives walking into 2023.
During the pandemic, our lives became about day to day survival and lots of us had to realign ourselves to that lifestyle. Over the past couple years, it’s likely we went through many life changes too. Whether we lost people, relationships, jobs, living situations, or even if we found new avenues for those things…our emotions and our identities may have been in a regular state of realigning. This is where I reference BLOG 5 and later on BLOG 8 as my experience with this. It was most likely a challenge for all of us to hold on to our creative side as we may have constantly been adjusting to life changes. Here we are, heading into 2023 and yet again, we must adjust to a different world.
Now to look inward here and not just speak in generalities, I am connecting the dots on things within myself that have either kept me locked into a creative mindset or held me back from it. I wrote BLOG 3 about the swirling anxieties that were surfacing from the pandemic as well as BLOG 7 and BLOG 9 about the mental health challenges for artists. From staying committed as artists to finding paths to success, these blogs outlined some of my internal struggles in an external way for the purpose of speaking my truth and having it resonate with those going through similar struggles. A lot of my art and content follows this theme. But what I am learning now is there are other facets for my mental health struggles and other healing entities for my state of mind. A big one of those, maybe the biggest of them all, is going to be therapy.
Therapy has seemingly been normalized over the course of the past decade–and this is a very good thing, but sometimes it feels targeted to those in severe situations or not widely accessible to all of us. It’s not really all that clear how to go about it and sometimes it’s possible we have to self-diagnose as to whether or not it’s something we really need. After all, if we got so far without it, why start now? Or if we feel we have a pretty good sense of confidence and engage in a relatively positive lifestyle, what’s the point? Here’s where I will put my main message to you (and to all creatives):
We all exit childhood in some sort of hole. The width and depth of the hole we are in varies greatly by our upbringing. This hole represents the traumas and wounds that affected us growing up. Even if you look back and don’t recall anything traumatic happening in your past, there are things that live in your subconscious from your past whether you are aware of it or not. The only way to pull ourselves out of this hole is to recognize the one we are in and why we are in it. Therapists and psychologists are some of the most knowledgeable people in our society to help us through this process of reclaiming who we are.
So what happens if we don’t do anything with a professional? Again, depending on your specific traumas and wounds, certain thoughts and behaviors can come up as particularly challenging or even dysfunctional. Usually unhealed trauma presents itself in cyclical behavior patterns like substance abuse, unhealthy relationships, or commitment issues. Chances are, if you are a creative, that creativity has been your means to and external therapy and also your way of expressing yourself outside of what is daunting to you. Sure, sometimes being creative can be about having fun, but there’s likely a deeper meaning to it…especially if you feel like creating has saved your life. This usually means that this is how we are coping with our internal struggles.
Now to get more specific, in my case I started therapy in 2020 for managing a deeper anxiety. This is why anxiety has been an underlying tone in a lot of these blog posts. Writing blogs is also a stress reliever and an external coping mechanism for me as well after all. But after my 2nd long-term relationship didn’t work out, as well as living in isolation during the pandemic, I needed someone to hold me accountable and to make sure I wouldn’t fall into unhealthy patterns. This is how sometimes even therapy can be an external coping mechanism rather than a tool for internal growth. Although the times I spent with my first 2 therapists during the pandemic were certainly progress, I ultimately kept all that development external and didn’t dig too deep. What do I mean by that? And what is this notion of internal vs. external growth?
Essentially, the hole I was in after childhood was just piled on top of. I put a big sheet of wood over my inner child, trapped them in that hole, and just built a new version of myself right on top. I covered it with all of my habits, tasks, goals, and my constructed personality. Though I was very happy with myself and being the best that I could be, I still had a deeply troubled subconscious that was never satisfied with myself. That was my internal neglect which came with my external progress. I spent a year monitoring myself through therapy and regulating when this internal trouble would start to come out, however I lost my therapists due to insurance switches in 2021. It took almost a full year to get coverage again, as I could definitely not afford to pay out of pocket for therapy. So all those months I spent without therapy resulted in a crumbling foundation that was built over that childhood hole. Living that time in frequent triggers and stress would ultimately result in codependent nature, lack of self-worth, a need to please people, and even losing my hair. So now what? I found myself a new therapist who recognized that I have a deeper issue.
Because we’re getting a bit long here, I will hold off on further disclosure until a new blog is started. I’ll also announce I posted a new VLOG to document my recent approach to tackling internal growth. If you are out there having a hard time please take this as a sign to take some action. If you have questions feel free to CONTACT me below. Currently, I think there is an influx of mental health resources out right now. There are some apps you can download on your phone, providers in-network via health insurance, and even resources at CVS minute clinic. It can be so tough to navigate this process, I’ve spent months trying to get the right coverage. Of course if things get really hard for you I URGE YOU HEAVILY to call 988, or talk to the suicide hotlines. It’s all on us to take care of ourselves.
With love
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